I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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