Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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