I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I love you.
Bad choice
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
