i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
