So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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