Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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