I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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