there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
