The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
