Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
