I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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