i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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