Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
We smell like vodka and hangover
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