I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
