If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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