he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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