Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
