i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
