please come you make the beer taste better
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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