Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
These tits shall not be calmed
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
