I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
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This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
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At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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