I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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