Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
