i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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