My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
