i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
