Your face is a jimmy john
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
