I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
