I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
