Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize