I can't watch pbs sober anymore
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
