I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
