My room smells like vodka and shame
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
one two three fourrrrnication!
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
