seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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