Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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