i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
