my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
