What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
