I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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