In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
