Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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