wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
