You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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