mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
