Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
