The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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