I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
