It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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