I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
