he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
