We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
