mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
