I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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